on (over) Reaction

A couple weeks ago, coming out of a downtown office building, I turned to walk down the sidewalk, looked up, and BOOM!  There he was!  The Asshole that messed up my life through ten years of sexual abuse.  In an instant, one beat of my heart, I virtually froze.  No, I didn’t stop moving, but it was like time stood still.  So much flashed through my mind inthe next few minutes as I made my way, numbly, to my truck, that I don’t really know what the sequence of my thoughts was.  I hadn’t seen him in so long, and last time I had seen him, I was expecting to see him- it was in court at his sentencing.

I got to my truck, took a deep breath, and put it all behind me.  Yeah Right!  I guess I thought I did, though.

I made my way home- it was the last stop of my day, and did whatever it was that I did that evening.  The rest of the week was busy- on the road for work, not much time to think.  On Friday, I tripped and fell off the deck of a truck, and hurt my knee.  Greeat way to end a work week!  That weekend I was a mess- my knee hurt like blazes, but most of all, I didn’t know whether to cry or lose my cool on Saturday.  Sunday I got sick, and that seemed to clear it all up.

On Tuesday evening, with a busy trade show coming up, I went for a massage to tune my body up.  Ironically, It was my mind that gained the most.  I have a really awesome therapist who tends to do as much for my mind as she does for my body.  She just knows what to say, and somehow, her touch soothes my energies, and puts everything in balance.  Most importantly, she helped me see that I still have a lot of letting go and forgiving to do.  She suggested to me, that even as I had virtually frozen in that instant- that frozen-ness likely contributed to my fall, and most certainly to my messed up weekend.

I never would have guessed.

So the lesson for me is- “Forgiveness isn’t about setting the forgiven free- It’s about setting myself free from the prison of anger.”

I thought I had done that a long time ago, but I guess it’s an ongoing process.

If you have forgiving to do, may you find the strength to find that freedom, even as I pray I do too.  And if you know how, please share your wisdom!

Lotsa Love to you all,