on (over) Reaction

A couple weeks ago, coming out of a downtown office building, I turned to walk down the sidewalk, looked up, and BOOM!  There he was!  The Asshole that messed up my life through ten years of sexual abuse.  In an instant, one beat of my heart, I virtually froze.  No, I didn’t stop moving, but it was like time stood still.  So much flashed through my mind inthe next few minutes as I made my way, numbly, to my truck, that I don’t really know what the sequence of my thoughts was.  I hadn’t seen him in so long, and last time I had seen him, I was expecting to see him- it was in court at his sentencing.

I got to my truck, took a deep breath, and put it all behind me.  Yeah Right!  I guess I thought I did, though.

I made my way home- it was the last stop of my day, and did whatever it was that I did that evening.  The rest of the week was busy- on the road for work, not much time to think.  On Friday, I tripped and fell off the deck of a truck, and hurt my knee.  Greeat way to end a work week!  That weekend I was a mess- my knee hurt like blazes, but most of all, I didn’t know whether to cry or lose my cool on Saturday.  Sunday I got sick, and that seemed to clear it all up.

On Tuesday evening, with a busy trade show coming up, I went for a massage to tune my body up.  Ironically, It was my mind that gained the most.  I have a really awesome therapist who tends to do as much for my mind as she does for my body.  She just knows what to say, and somehow, her touch soothes my energies, and puts everything in balance.  Most importantly, she helped me see that I still have a lot of letting go and forgiving to do.  She suggested to me, that even as I had virtually frozen in that instant- that frozen-ness likely contributed to my fall, and most certainly to my messed up weekend.

I never would have guessed.

So the lesson for me is- “Forgiveness isn’t about setting the forgiven free- It’s about setting myself free from the prison of anger.”

I thought I had done that a long time ago, but I guess it’s an ongoing process.

If you have forgiving to do, may you find the strength to find that freedom, even as I pray I do too.  And if you know how, please share your wisdom!

Lotsa Love to you all,





9 thoughts on “on (over) Reaction

  1. Thank you for sharing your story, it’s important for many to know they are not alone in the difficulty of surviving and working through sexual abuse.
    I am glad that you were able to find comfort and help with the massage. When it comes to forgiving … I don’t know if I’m even close to being there yet but I have learned that it’s okay to not be there. Everyone will work through it differently and I’ve been trying to find compassion for myself and my timing.
    Thanks again! I’m glad you connected me to your blog! 😊😊

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks for reading it.
      I can understand what you say about being ok with not being able to forgive yet, but I’d like to be able to not react the way I did to that chance encounter.


  2. First thank you for sharing. It sounds like seeing this person caused you great stress and anxiety. Which makes us feel ungrounded. That’s when I am at my most clumsy. Drop things. Fall. Etc… Forgiveness is a hard one to pin down. I think that the reaction you had was really a normal reaction. You felt scared, perhaps unsafe. I don’t know that forgiveness is the solution for that. Feeling safe is so important. Are you seeking counseling? Do you have the tools and resources to help yourself when anxiety hits? Those would be my first suggestions to you. God bless you on your journey. You are a survivor.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Pardon is something I’ve learned from the 4 toltec rules and I made a facebook page about it.
    And yes, it has to be retuned to every situation.
    Why do we have to ask to be pardoned to escape from the poison is a mystery (solved) that has to be resumed at each occasion.

    I believe that we then learn to pardon ourself our own weakness for what we have let happened to us.

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s